15 August 2009

when you're a bad liar, living in your lies means not living at all.

dear girl— it’s like you don’t even know you anymore. and when people talk about you, it’s almost as if you have no idea who they’re speaking about or whether any of what they say is true. it’s to the point where you started avoiding mirrors or catching your own eye in the reflection of windows, because you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. maybe your hair’s a mess and your clothes don’t match, but at least you can keep pretending that you’re not uncomfortable in your own skin. you’ve become a stranger and it scares you since you’ve always been most afraid of the things you don’t know. and you don’t know you. ___ dear girl— i know you’re tired. you’re tired of being afraid and you’re tired of being alone and you’re just tired of being. it’s two thirty seven in the morning and you’re wondering if insomnia has a flavor or if everything really taste this kind of bitter. you hate how it feels against your teeth and the back of your throat is burning. you just want to sleep, to forget this feeling, to forget breathing, or blinking, or being alive. instead, you’re lying awake, counting the raindrops on the roof. or maybe you’re just lying. but really you’re worried that you’re losing track. of everything. maybe you’ve been derailed and you don’t know where you’re going. maybe you’re on a collision course with regret. maybe you’re a car crash of tired syllables and overdone ideas. but in any case, you’re a wreck. ___ dear girl— it’s to the point where you don’t know what to do with yourself. so you do the laundry again even though it’s clean. you think about bleach and how they need to make some for your memories. since if you could you’d white out all the things you’ve been meaning to forget. and you’d forget that you’re a mess and that you deserve this and that it’s started to hurt more than you care to think about. then you’d make yourself someone new. someone you could stand. since right now all you are is a spin cycle of secrets who’s finding it harder to pretend to be okay. and all the sudden your heart is beating backwards and you’re so afraid of what will happen when it reaches zero. since negatives can never be anything positive. and you’re so sick of being a negative. of being nothing. ___ dear girl— sometimes, you talk to yourself since you know that no one else will listen. sometimes, you write letters. and they all end up being addressed to you no matter what since you’re not sure who you’d send them to anyways. maybe you’re living in your lies but you never were a good liar. so maybe you’re not living at all. ___ dear girl— please remember to love yourself. "since you deserve it. since you just have to. even when no one else will." - - - living in your lies by paperheartsyndrome

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