12 March 2012

never let me go

i bought new dress fabric today after a terrible blood test and someday i'll actually make a dress out of it (or ask someone else to do it... hi mom?). it's a little bit 'grandma' but i'm into flowers and light blue lately and so grandma it'll be

floral ninja
a week ago i got an interview invitation from london college of communication but i was very hesitant to accept because the date was fast approaching (march 15th) and i still had no idea what the college of fashion was going to decide. now i found out that they have declined me and seeing as they were my first choice, i am a little bit disappointed - but maybe it's a sign that a) fashion isn't for me; b) i  really shouldn't move to england; or c) i shouldn't study photography at all. (all my other four choices invited me for an interview)

who would have thought that i will be the one who cannot decide about their higher education. i'm still not entirely sure what i want to study and with my exam results i could do pretty much anything but my passion is driving me away from everything rational and mature. a co-worker once asked what i dream of; i told her i want to make a living only with my camera. it isn't an impossible dream (no matter what everyone who reads this blog will say)

every time i shoot a story i know that this is still the foundation; i'm not even close to the level where i should be getting paid. there is so much work to do, to fully understand the composition and lighting and direct the models in a way which looks good for the client

and then there is this black patch somewhere in my mind which keeps telling me that money has once ruined my passion (by doing so many commissions that no time or energy was left on personal artworks) and that it may as well happen with photography and then i will have nothing left and it breaks my heart

it feels like i'm standing between two roads; one filled with rocks and sand and leading to a dream, another solid and straight leading to a life i don't really want to live

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ära kunagi mine kergema ja igavama vastupanu teed. ELU ON SEIKLUS! Kuula oma südant!