20 July 2012

with the devil on your back

i have always lived in fear of failing. maybe this was the reason why i never really applied to art schools because i kept telling myself how my portfolio was not ready yet, how i was still too inexperienced and how my skills were poor compared to others. this is something i do way too often - i compare myself. i can't bear the thought of losing something, be it a close relationship or something as important as education. i remember how disappointed i was at fifteen years old when i didn't get to the high school i wanted - and spent six months in a dark hole because i didn't try hard enough. ever since i don't trust myself anymore.

i have to be really, really sure that i'm going to win if i'm competing at something or else i just fall out a few days before the deadline. i could have printed my portfolio by march. i could have taken the end of june off for the interviews. i could have applied elsewhere. but no. i'm still stuck, with a blank mind and no ideas how to continue my life. i'm afraid, so afraid of all the wrong steps i might take (and those who know me also know that i don't want to stumble) and at the same time i want to move forward and see what happens if i try.

but i never do.

- - -

i will be starting a new chapter in my life in early august - and truly, nothing scares me more than a new, unknown path. i know that i will close my eyes and jump in headfirst but my heart will tremble and i will be asking myself if this was the right thing to do. please don't get me wrong, this will be a very necessary change and i will be with the people who love even the darkest parts of my soul - but i will be scared nevertheless. even if i drown these thoughts in burning absinthe glasses, even if i kiss a stranger, even if i stand by your side, smiling and thinking that i couldn't possibly be any happier - i will always carry the fear with me. a part of me will always be homesick and terrified; a part of me will never believe in personal success. it has been holding me back more than you could ever imagine, and i now want to change this part of myself.

maybe next year i won't be scared anymore. maybe next year i will feel good enough to finally pursue a career in photography. maybe next year i will be myself, and not a girl scared of her own shadow. i need that change.


Anonymous said...

Poleks arvanud, et sul sellised mõtted on. Ma ei tunne sind, aga sa oleksid arvatavasti üks viimastest inimestest, kes niiviisi kartma peaks. Su tööd on ju siiski hullumeelselt ägedad!
Pea meeles, et kõik läheb ikkagi lõpuks nii nagu minema peab :).

Julie said...

Hi there Siiri. I believe that it's in our very nature to be scared of something. Some people are scared of spiders, heights and falling - but you are scared of failing. I am scared of failing too myself. Comparison is normal. After we get exam results, we call up our friends and ask them "Hey, what did you get?". But from what I've learnt so far in my years of life, its that: life is a race, but in the end its against yourself. You'll never be good enough if you compare yourself to others, there will always be others better than you. smarter than you, take better photos than you. Why should you compare yourself to the likes of people like that? Why don't you just compare yourself with your personal best? I hope I helped. Good luck with your future interviews. (I did browse through your portfolio, its amazing.)

Siiri said...

i guess we all have a darker side

Siiri said...

and yeah, julie, you're absolutely right, i shouldn't compare myself with others. it's hard not to as i don't see my own personal best yet. but it's great advice, thank you so much <3

Merike Reiljan said...