i have always lived in fear of failing. maybe this was the reason why i never really applied to art schools because i kept telling myself how my portfolio was not ready yet, how i was still too inexperienced and how my skills were poor compared to others. this is something i do way too often - i compare myself. i can't bear the thought of losing something, be it a close relationship or something as important as education. i remember how disappointed i was at fifteen years old when i didn't get to the high school i wanted - and spent six months in a dark hole because i didn't try hard enough. ever since i don't trust myself anymore.
i have to be really, really sure that i'm going to win if i'm competing at something or else i just fall out a few days before the deadline. i could have printed my portfolio by march. i could have taken the end of june off for the interviews. i could have applied elsewhere. but no. i'm still stuck, with a blank mind and no ideas how to continue my life. i'm afraid, so afraid of all the wrong steps i might take (and those who know me also know that i don't want to stumble) and at the same time i want to move forward and see what happens if i try.
but i never do.
- - -
i will be starting a new chapter in my life in early august - and truly, nothing scares me more than a new, unknown path. i know that i will close my eyes and jump in headfirst but my heart will tremble and i will be asking myself if this was the right thing to do. please don't get me wrong, this will be a very necessary change and i will be with the people who love even the darkest parts of my soul - but i will be scared nevertheless. even if i drown these thoughts in burning absinthe glasses, even if i kiss a stranger, even if i stand by your side, smiling and thinking that i couldn't possibly be any happier - i will always carry the fear with me. a part of me will always be homesick and terrified; a part of me will never believe in personal success. it has been holding me back more than you could ever imagine, and i now want to change this part of myself.
maybe next year i won't be scared anymore. maybe next year i will feel good enough to finally pursue a career in photography. maybe next year i will be myself, and not a girl scared of her own shadow. i need that change.