31 July 2012

ghost


a lot has been happening.

 i have been writing and drafting and erasing everything and writing again -- but so far, no luck.
words seem quite unreal and i only post pictures these days.
i no longer run away. it's been raining a lot and i barely remember what it feels like to be on the road, alone.

i have never felt so free.

i feel like i'm somehow letting go of everything. of all the hurt, the memories inked deep into our skin. and although i told myself not to forget, i no longer remember little details about you. like you are... fading away, slowly, but leaving anyway. making room for everything else.

i'm sorry we ended like we did, i never wanted to see you cry.

sometimes i still think of us. of all our imperfections and serious fights and the tears and anger. maybe this was what made us so great, all the misunderstandings and the pain afterwards. i'm glad you had the courage to keep it up no matter how wrecked i was. you were perfect in your own way.

every now and then i stumble upon a blog post about our past (and usually end up deleting them). isn't it strange how we lived together for two years and nothing else but virtual words remain? like you left without leaving a trace of your existence?

i will probably never understand you


29 July 2012

the first taste of summer







the perfect summer afternoon, spent with my darling friends, 
soft evening wind blowing in our hair and the sun glowing on our backs.

20 July 2012

with the devil on your back



i have always lived in fear of failing. maybe this was the reason why i never really applied to art schools because i kept telling myself how my portfolio was not ready yet, how i was still too inexperienced and how my skills were poor compared to others. this is something i do way too often - i compare myself. i can't bear the thought of losing something, be it a close relationship or something as important as education. i remember how disappointed i was at fifteen years old when i didn't get to the high school i wanted - and spent six months in a dark hole because i didn't try hard enough. ever since i don't trust myself anymore.

i have to be really, really sure that i'm going to win if i'm competing at something or else i just fall out a few days before the deadline. i could have printed my portfolio by march. i could have taken the end of june off for the interviews. i could have applied elsewhere. but no. i'm still stuck, with a blank mind and no ideas how to continue my life. i'm afraid, so afraid of all the wrong steps i might take (and those who know me also know that i don't want to stumble) and at the same time i want to move forward and see what happens if i try.

but i never do.

- - -

i will be starting a new chapter in my life in early august - and truly, nothing scares me more than a new, unknown path. i know that i will close my eyes and jump in headfirst but my heart will tremble and i will be asking myself if this was the right thing to do. please don't get me wrong, this will be a very necessary change and i will be with the people who love even the darkest parts of my soul - but i will be scared nevertheless. even if i drown these thoughts in burning absinthe glasses, even if i kiss a stranger, even if i stand by your side, smiling and thinking that i couldn't possibly be any happier - i will always carry the fear with me. a part of me will always be homesick and terrified; a part of me will never believe in personal success. it has been holding me back more than you could ever imagine, and i now want to change this part of myself.

maybe next year i won't be scared anymore. maybe next year i will feel good enough to finally pursue a career in photography. maybe next year i will be myself, and not a girl scared of her own shadow. i need that change.







17 July 2012

ne obliviscaris

exactly one year of photography. hundreds, thousands of images. rebirth of a creative mind, my soul burning with every new picture. i have never wanted anything so badly and i know that my passion will someday take me very far. i am calm when i shoot, so calm that all the thoughts in my head quiet down and as i click the shutter, everything fades away. i'm so glad i found myself in photography.

these twelve months have been restless, strange and unkind - i have lost so much, but i have gained the experience i could have never dreamed of before. i remember writing in my personal statement: 'the idea of creation - how nothing becomes something - has always fascinated me. it is often achieved by paralyzing reality with the click of a shutter, capturing the essence of the moment and emotion. i like to believe that a photographic portrait is one of the deepest spiritual connections that can happen between two people, but unfortunately it is also the shortest, lasting less than a second.'

i had always been searching for that one thing to fulfill me and i had been looking inside human souls for this light, and it was there, only in a different way. i found my passion glowing through metal and glass, where the world stopped for a second, when my eyes composed a world different from ours. i was scared of this passion at first because it was something so wild and reckless but at the same time such a right thing to do. i had never felt more alive.

here is a collection of images taken during this year, from 2011 and 2012, from first to last.
























every photograph is a memory. and you never forget memories

14 July 2012

tinted eyelashes!

'before' picture, no makeup whatsoever

...just as i wrapped the shoot with johanna r a few days ago, she asked me how i did my eyebrows. since their natural shape is quite disastrous, i draw them over with a pencil. i use awful amounts of eye make-up because both my lashes and eyebrows are really light and it usually takes me around 30 minutes every morning before i can go out just to look human and not alien. and so she told me about eyelash tinting.
they carefully tint your lashes with semi-permanent dye that stays on for about three weeks - which means, you can go and dance in the rain, take a shower, go swimming, party hard, and there will be no ugly panda mornings! do you know how hard it is to crawl into the bathroom after a long night of drinking just to take off makeup? it's so hard that i almost never do it, and then i regret it in the morning.

so i booked an appointment at a salon she suggested, laid down on the chair and let the lady do her magic.

LOOK AT THOSE ENORMOUS LASHES

i was worried at first that i would get an allergic reaction but thankfully i did not, and after only ten minutes i left the salon with beautiful dark eyelashes that will stay for about three weeks and cost me only 8 euros (with the eyebrow tinting).

this is how i look now when i wake up
it no longer takes me half an hour to do my daily makeup - it takes less than five minutes! and really, nothing could make me happier than looking in the mirror right after waking up and thinking, 'whoa, my eyes look really good.'

girls, i wholeheartedly suggest that you try out eyelash tinting if you ever get tired of your daily mascara routine - you'll save money on both mascara and makeup remover, and you can sleep longer instead of spending most of the morning in front of a mirror. ♥

here's where i had my eyebrows and -lashes done: [link]

11 July 2012

behind the scenes


shooting with johanna r. :)

4 July 2012

skin



experimental stuff.
arno's hand in the river and a tiny snail climbing a straw.

1 July 2012

free curves #7

 click here to download the set
new free photoshop curves set for photography lovers. italy is my favourite.